Forever Families

One need that I have is to be validated. I am not able to share all of me, or even a good portion of myself with those who have hurt, neglected, damaged, left me to feel unwanted, unsupported, or unloved.  I have recently started talking to someone about all of the trauma that I went through as a child, and growing up.  One recurring thing that comes up is that I want to be heard, I guess it doesn't matter who listens, as long as someone does.

One of the big reasons that draws me to working with DCFS and foster care is helping kids feel like they are not alone. So many foster care youth are older children between 13 and 18. It is optimal to have a forever family to share feelings and have them there to support you and know that they will always be there for you. Even those who are about to age out of the system need a forever family. A forever family means that when they move out of the home when they are adults, the family will still be there for them. They will still be their parents, they will still have connections to fall back on, they will have a place to go home for the holidays, someone to call when they are struggling as an adult and to love and guide them. Its never too late to let a child into your home. This hits home for me, I had turned 11 one month before being placed into the system.

I grew up in a home that had drug raids, grew drugs, and in which my parents were quite neglectful for the first 11 years. I moved eight times between sixth and eighth grade(4 times between 5th and 6th, and 4 times between the end of 6th and the end of 7th grade), and then placed with a family member for four years(an aunt that was only a few years older than I was), until I got married two months after turning 17. I listened to a cassette tape of my father while he was in the process of him killing himself when I was 11. I dealt with my sister not wanting me to go along with her to foster care, and to different aunts homes, because she wanted to leave her past behind and I was a reminder of that. She has since cut me off from her life, I guess she got her wish.  I had to deal with families not wanting me, and the state not willing to look into family out of state having me. I was afraid of older men and their booming voices, and would cower when any that i lived with came home. I was the only one who didn't get therapy amongst my siblings, I seriously don't know how I made it to be a functioning member of society, my dad was a child molester who killed himself, my mother is a drug addict with bipolar, my sister has been through three marriages, the current of which hurt her so badly she had to have reconstructive surgery, and my brothers are schizophrenic, one of which has been in prison since before he was 18 (11 years).  It is a struggle at times to keep going knowing how alone I am.
I was uneducated about sex, and expected to make good choices when no one talked to me about anything. When I had my first sexual encounter, my aunt and uncle asked me what they did wrong, I moved in with them when i was thirteen, I had been in foster care since I was 11 and no one talked to me about sex.  No one talked to me on my level.  The first sexual encounter I had was a male, 4 years older than me taking me into his room and his friends standing outside the room not allowing me to come out, and so the only choice that I felt that I had was to comply with what they all wanted me to do.  And my aunt and uncle asked what they did wrong when they found out I had sex for the first time.  Where was the, 'are you ok'?
I got straight A's (usually had atleast one A-) and only recognized once when the - was missing from the A. Karate tournaments I participated in no one came to support me, choir concerts I can remember my grandparents attendance on occasion, but I don't know where those that I lived with were. I was told when asked who to invite to my wedding to figure it out myself. I don't have anyone to fall back on if i fall, no one adopted me and/or treats me as theirs. It can be a very lonely world to navigate, like your holding up the weight of the world and if you let one thing slip it will all crumble.  

Those in foster care can deal with similar situations(with a lot more instability), I would hope that they would have someone to support and rely on as they navigate adulthood. We need to make sure that the youth in the system have a forever family, not just a placement, not just someone that will meet their physical needs, but their emotional, mental, and their need to be loved and connected for years to come. If you don't feel like you can adopt a foster child, one who has been in the system, you can reach out and do so much, mentoring, volunteering, etc.